It took me four years to heal after leaving Lasso.
Four years. I can write that down quickly, but I had to live every day of it.
I had grown up believing I could make my way through things by understanding them and putting in the effort. That belief had shaped how I approached achievement. I was used to looking for the way forward and making myself responsible for finding it.
Healing reached into that way of thinking.
Finding Jesus gave me somewhere to lean, but learning to actually lean on Him took years. I had to learn how to trust beyond what I could explain to myself. I had to become willing to receive love without first making my life look the way I thought it should.
That is difficult to communicate through a list of lessons. The change is in how I experience being alive.
I feel loved. I feel protected. I feel grateful. Even in the darkest moments I could go through, there is a connection to God that I experience as something deeper than the circumstances around me.
There have been circumstances I would never have chosen. Yet I have found that gratitude can exist inside them. I can feel held while something is painful. I can know that my life contains something precious even when I have no explanation for what is happening.
That has changed the importance I give to achievement. I still build. I still have ideas. I still care about doing something good with the abilities I've been given. But those things aren't carrying the responsibility of making my life worth living.
There is already love here.
The four years matter to me because I don't want to make this sound like an insight that immediately changed everything. It took time to learn how to live this way. It took time for faith to become the place I rested rather than another thing I understood.
Now there is a freedom in my life that I am deeply grateful for. I feel happy being here. Work feels lighter. I have room to enjoy what I am making. I want what comes through me to carry goodness.
I can say that healing took four years.
What I am most grateful for is how it feels to be here now.
